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dear god,

i realized that i still have a lot to work through when it comes to my depression. thank you for the message that you gave me on sunday about having hope in you, which will lead to faith, and character. help me god, to persevere through these challenges that i face. i want to find hope in you. i believe you are the only hope i have in my life. i thank you for being that hope into my life.

god, i feel like there is fear rooted in many parts of my life. uproot those fears from my heart for they are not yours. heal me. i will rejoice in you and your greatness.

help me not be filled with regret. but rather an understanding that deeply roots in my heart to not repeat the same mistakes. move me oh lord for your greatness.

thank you god for everything that i have. thank you god for the card that came into the mail today. thank you god for financial security. thank you god for loving family and friends. help me to be a good person to them.

i love you and i adore you.

in jesus’ name i prayed,

amen

Dear God,

I have to go talk to my professor about the final exam. I dont know why i cant get pluck up the courage to just see him. What is wrong with me? I have a problem with the overlapping final exams. Well too bad. I should just go and ask him to help me. What else will i do? Screw up the exam and fuck up my life even more? The best solution i have right now is to just go talk to him and be realistic. You can do it amanda.

하나님….성령님. 제 힘이 되어주세요… 너무 무서워요…힘들고…제게 다가와주세요…

답답함

I don’t even know what I should write today but I just felt like I should follow through with my declarations from yesterday’s post.

I did have boba after I wrote yesterday’s post. Yay! It was so sunny and warm when I walked out of my apartment that I felt so silly I didn’t even know how nice the weather was because I was busy sulking at home.
I got the large almond milk tea with boba. They gave me way too many bobas…so many calories! Whatevers. Later I walked towards the target that is only a block away and bought almond milk since I have so many cereal boxes lying around at my place. I don’t remember why this annoyed me so much but this old white grandpa, who was giving out target newsletter type of thingies, didn’t give me one. He gave it to the girl who was pushing her cart into the store but he just looked at me and didn’t even offer. I probably would’ve said no thank you anyways but it was annoying. Psh.

After I came home, I took a few hours trying to come up with what I should say to my parents about why I turned off my phone. At first, I thought of stupid excuses - i.e. lies - like “oh i lost my phone” or “my new smart phone was distracting”. But I just decided to tell them the truth - that I didn’t wanna talk to anyone the last few days. I know it sounds totally immature and irresponsible but that is how I really felt :/ When I finally got around calling my mom, I just started crying. I have a habit of bottling up my feelings, just thinking and worrying. I just felt so bad talking to my parents because I let them down. My mom told me that I shouldn’t worry about what they thought because my life is my life. But i know my mom way too well to know that she is disappointed that I turned out this way. I felt like she was telling me that because she wanted me to feel better. Anyway, my mom tried to come talk to me in person but I told her she didn’t need to. In the end, we agreed that I should just focus on finishing up my classes and nothing else.

I just really need a break to think things through.

God, help me.

Today, I shall:
1. Go talk to a counselor.
2. Figure out what to do with my last final paper. Email professor.
3. Write all the schedules down to my scheduler.
4. Buy books and read them!!
5. Re-think about the road trip with friends.
6. Read the Bible and memorize a verse.
7. Pray for at least 10 minutes.
8. Learn a new praise song on guitar.
9. Text the person moving in if she wants to buy any stuff of mine.

This is definitely not my first blog. I actually had a tumblr before but I quit after a few weeks because I felt like it was ruining my life since I was glued to the computer day and night. Interestingly, I created this tumblr because I think I am
ruining my life at the moment day by day, and I need to do SOMETHING to get me out of this misery. Incidentally, I have heard that writing can serve as a cathartic experience, so hopefully this does me good.

The only goal I have for this undertaking is really be dedicated in writing about how I feel at least once a day. I have realized that I failed to keep up blogging in the past because I put an immense pressure on myself to keep it perfect. My objective here then is do exactly the opposite. I want to relieve pressure in my heart that has been building up through writing. It can be as simple as a word. A lot of the times, it will be like a prayer to God because I think a prayer is very similar to what journaling is, except that, for prayer, there is someone who listens and answers.

I really don’t know how this will go in the long run. I’m hoping, praying that I be better than I am right now.

Just to briefly introduce myself before I publish this post, (even though I don’t think people will care enough to read this crap) I am a total “Friends” (the show) fanatic; I can spend an entire day, watching clips of it on youtube. I have been really wanting to get almond milk tea with boba for the last few days but I didn’t because it’s too damn expensive in my opinion. I held out this whole week but I think I’m gonna treat myself by getting one after I am
done with this post to congratulate myself for taking a step forward with this blog and encourage myself to keep it up. I’ll probably come back in a few hours to vent about something. And I should turn my phone back on before my parents call 911 or something. I don’t wanna tell them I turned it off because I didn’t wanna talk to them because they won’t understand. I’ll have to come up with some bs.

B’bye.